according to james

"I used to feel so alone in the city.
All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside.
Because how do you meet a new person?
I was very stumped by this for many years.
And then I realized, you just say, 'Hi.'
They may ignore you. Or you may marry them.
And that possilibity is worth that one word." (Starbucks coffee cup)

September 1, 2011

Family is a blessing

There was a time when I felt that family was a burden; just another worry that I tried to avoid. I think that was partly the reason I enjoyed living away from family in San Francisco all these years; they were out of sight out of mind. And whenever I came home, I stressed about my parents’ relationship, their business, my brothers’ educational and career paths, my grandfather’s health, the house we bought together and everything else you can imagine. For some reason, I felt that since they were my family, I was inextricably tied to their situation and fate, and caused me constant duress. I felt that it was my job to worry about them and feel responsible for solving their problems. Maybe it was my high expectations that made me feel like they should be doing better in life, but either way this created a suffocating sense of anxiety and resentment in me.

Looking back at this, I feel guilty and obtuse for looking down on my family and for viewing them as a burden. When I was lost in my self pity over my family, I overlooked the fact that it’s truly a blessing to have a family in the first place. I underestimated my family and felt that I needed to do everything for them, putting unnecessary pressure on myself, when my family never expected or needed me to “save” them. Now I realize that all they want from me is to be happy. In my needless stress, I lost the gratitude that I should have for having my family in my life.

Having the minimalist mindset of appreciating the simpler things in life and being grateful to be alive has given me this newfound sense of contentment with my family. They are capable masters of their own destiny, and I accept them for who they are and I no longer want to force them to change to fit my ideal view of a family. Sure, I still want the best for them and will continue to support them, but I will no longer waste my time stressing about them for no reason. This sense of gratitude has given me much needed perspective and I’ve discovered a deep sense of joy and love for my family. They truly are a gift.

6 months ago • Notes